


A Very Slytherin Romance

by Living_Free



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Drama, Everybody Lives, Except Voldemort, Fluff, Good Draco Malfoy, Good Severus Snape, Humor, James finds love, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Multi, Regulus Black Lives, Regulus gets things done, Remus blends into furniture, Sirius feels betrayed, Sirius is very passionate, Sirius/James was WAY back in the past lol, Tiny Draco in love with Lily, and her hair, he's a cock, no one will listen to him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-04-06 13:09:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19063348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Severus lives in a constant state of exasperation, and this state is heightened by the shenanigans of his best friend Lily and his tiny, evil shadow, Regulus.Werewolves find love, Slytherins stay sneaky, and nobody will listen to Sirius! What's a man got to do to be heard!?Don't ask Severus, he's just along for the ride.





	1. Chapter 1

Severus Snape had been nursing a deep love for his best friend for a very, very, long time. It was a love so intense and burning that sometimes he felt as though it gave him acidity that no amount of antacid could help. So, one day after a serious joust with the toilet bowl, Severus decided to hitch up his britches and be a man about it. He would tell Lily about how he felt. 

Severus found Lily in the library, studying for her OWLs with the kind of academic mania usually associated with Ravenclaws. “Lily, come for a walk with me,” he whispered. Lily replied by bugging out her eyes and making garbled hissing sounds, gesticulating wildly to her textbook. Severus helpfully packed her things away and carried his flailing friend outside. It was lucky she was so small. 

Having placed her on the ground near the lake, Severus advised her, “Take a walk. You haven’t been outside in ages. Relax for a bit, and you can get back to studying later.”

Lily sighed and realized the wisdom of her friend’s words and took his hand. “I suppose you’re right,” she said, and began to meander about the lake. “So, how’re your studies going?” She asked Severus. 

“Fine,” Severus said, grimacing when he felt his tummy rumble. 

Lily looked down. “Again, Sev? You should get your stomach checked out, I’m worried about you.”

“It’s nothing. It’ll go away.” As soon as I confess my feelings for you, Severus hoped. “Lily.”

“Yeah, Sev?”

Severus took a deep breath. “I love you.”

“Aw, I love you too, Sev,” Lily said, and pinched his cheek.

Severus goggled at the stupidity of womankind. “No, you mad goose, I love you. Lily,” he said, stopping and bracing his hands on her shoulders, “I’m in love with you.”

Lily looked gobsmacked. “S-Sev!”

“I’ve loved you for ages, since we were just children. It’s been eating me alive and giving me acidity so bad that I’ve had to shift my bed closer to the washroom. I’d do anything for you, Lily, anything in the world.”

Lily put a hand to her chest. “Sev, I had no idea!” She looked down, and tears began to pool in her eyes. 

Severus panicked. “Lily, why are you crying-“

“Because I don’t!” She cried. “I love you so much, but not like that! I love you more than anyone in the world, but like...like...my brother!”

Gross. 

“Gross,” Severus said, reminded horribly of the Black brothers. 

“Sev, I’m sorry!” 

“Me too,” he grimaced. “Er, there, there,” he said, patting her on the head as she continued to cry. 

“I can’t believe that this is happening!” Lily continued to sob, “I dont want to lose you, Sev!”

“You won’t,” Severus sighed. Because no matter how Lily felt about him, he would never dream of leaving her. “My love isn’t so shallow or selfish as that.”

“Oh Sev!” Lily cried gratefully, and hugged him. Upstairs in Gryffindor tower, James Potter watched the exchange with narrowed eyes, completely misunderstood the situation when he saw Lily Evans embrace Snape, and flung himself upon Sirius’ bed and began to cry about how Evans had forsaken him, hold me Sirius and make the pain go away.

“We’re friends, right, Sev?” Lily asked. “Best friends?”

“Oh, rather,” Severus agreed, noticing that his stomach had stopped rumbling. “There’s really no one else I would give that position to.”

“Severus and Lily, best mates for life,” Lily grinned. 

“Mates,” Severus scoffed. “Really, Lily, how plebeian of you.”

Lily giggled. That was the grouchy Sev with a heart of gold that she knew and loved. 

“At any rate,” Severus said, “I was hoping to take you as my partner to the Yule Ball,” he said. “Would you like to go with me, as friends? Or is there someone else?” When Lily looked guilty, Severus gasped. “It’s not Potter, is it? Oh god, Lily, why would you do something so foolish-“

“Don’t be so silly,” Lily snorted, and Severus breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s just that I was planning to ask Remus. Poor thing wasn’t going to go this year, and I wanted to make sure that he did.”

Snape hummed in thought. “So it’s a pity date.”

“Don’t say that-“

“If I find someone else to take Lupin,” Severus said, regretting his magnanimous nature, “will you go with me?”

Lily startled. “Really? You’d find Remus a date?”

“If it means rescuing you from a very plain and beige date, then yes.”

“Remus isn’t plain, or beige-“ Lily started to defend her friend, but was cut short by Severus.

“The man is the walking definition of neutral,” he said. “Once, I was in the library, and I was leaning against a shelf, when it was actually Lupin in a brown sweater,” Severus said. “He just stood there for ten minutes, and then he goes, ‘Alright, Severus?’ Damn near have me a heart attack!”

Lily burst into peals of laughter. “You- you stood against him for ten whole minutes?”

“He could have said something, anything!” Severus seethed. 

“He was being nice,” Lily said, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. “Are you really serious about helping find him a real date?”

“Yes,” Severus said grudgingly. “It’s Yule, Lily, and I don’t want you to be stuck with Mr. I Masquerade As A Bookshelf just because of your kind heart.”

Lily burst out laughing again, and Severus felt that for once, maybe things would be alright. 

……………………………………

“Lily, you don’t have to do this,” Remus said for the umpteenth time, as the red headed menace dragged him to the great hall.

“I feel terrible for letting you down, Remus, so setting you up is the least I can do,” Lily stressed. 

“And you entrusted Severus to find me a date?” Remus asked, quirking an eyebrow up. “There really is a limit to fruitless optimism.”

Lily found Snape and dragged Remus over. “Here he is, Sev. Where’s your person?”

From behind Snape stepped out a tiny, surly, Regulus Black. He eyed Remus up and down before nodding. “He’ll do.”

Severus beamed. “Problem solved,” he said, patting himself on the back, while Regulus went over to stand next to a bemused Lupin.

“Hello, Regulus,” Remus said evenly. “Although I’m not opposed to taking you to the ball, I have to ask why you want me to take you.”

Regulus fixed his cold, grey, eyes - so much like his brother’s - on Remus. “Well, I’m a fourth year, so I need an upper year to take me. Also, I was originally going to go with Sev to piss Sirius off, but you’re so much better,” he enthused. 

“I’m glad,” Remus said blandly. 

“Well, now that that is set, we shall need to discuss our outfits. I will buy you robes, so that we may match. However, I expect a corsage, Lupin, and chocolates. Come, we have much to plan,” he said, dragging Remus off to parts unknown. 

Lily looked unsurely after Remus, who was allowing Regulus to yammer away about fabrics, and colour schemes, and ‘I like daisies, make sure that there are daisies in the corsage,’ while Remus looked mildly amused. 

“They’ll be alright, won’t they?” She asked.

Severus, who couldn’t possibly care less, nodded. “It’ll be fine.”

………………………………………

The night of the Yule Ball, the Marauders met in the Gryffindor common room. Sirius had his arm through his date Marlene McKinnon’s, while James was pouting next to Peter, whom he was going stag with. They were waiting on Remus, who was actually putting an effort into his appearance. 

And by golly did that effort pay off. 

Remus walked down the staircase in dark blue robes with a black trim, which contrasted beautifully with his pale, champagne colored eyes. They fit wonderfully on his lithe figure, accentuating, well... everything. 

Jaws dropped and dates were abandoned as people flocked to Remus. Sirius, true to form, gravitated towards the box of chocolates in Remus’ hand. “Double chocolate truffles, my favorite!” He grinned toothily.

Remus beat his hand aside gently and held the box out of reach. “Shoo. They’re for my date.”

James let out a mewl of sadness. “Date? I thought you were going stag with Wormy and me, Moony!”

“Lily helped set me up,” Remus said mildly. “I’m meeting her and my date in the great hall. Shall we go?”

James moped the entire way, even with Peter promising to dance with him for at least one song. At the entrance hall, James felt his heart fall through his stomach and down his intestines as he saw Lily, looking radiant on Snape’s arm. He buried his face in Peter’s shoulder and sobbed. 

Remus’ eyes searched the great hall for his date, and was not disappointed when Regulus came sweeping over in his fine dress robes and stopped in front of him. Remus smiled and held out the chocolates. 

“Double chocolate truffles!” Regulus enthused, “My favorite! Ooh, and you got me a corsage! Black daisies!”

Remus slipped in on Regulus’ wrist, even as Sirius fell into a dead faint in Marlene’s arms. “It’s handmade. I charmed the daisies to match your robes.”

This was apparently the correct thing to say, as Regulus beamed a mile wide. “That’s thoughtful,” he remarked. “The ball’s starting, lets go in. Did you practice your dancing?”

“I did,” Remus said, taking Regulus’ arm. Lily swept over to join him with Snape, who looked...not displeasing. 

Dumbledore waltzed over at that moment with Professor Kettleburn on his arm, and beamed at the foursome. “What a wonderful show of inter-house unity! Take ten points each to Gryffindor and Slytherin, and an extra five to Slytherin for young Mr. Black’s wonderful fashion sense,” he said, ruffling Regulus’ hair. 

Regulus beamed and dragged Remus away to dance, showing off his corsage at every turn, while Remus smiled serenely. Lily giggled as she watched the pair. “Sev, we may have just set up the next great love story.”

“My joy is unparalleled,” Snape deadpanned. “I tire of looking at the beige-man and his date. Let’s dance,” he said, and whisked Lily off. 

The rest of the night was spent with Regulus and Remus eating chocolate truffles, Lily and Severus cutting a platonic rug, James hugging Peter and pretending that he was Lily, Peter being very disturbed, and Sirius glaring at his brother with red eyes.

It was a very merry Yule indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

“I can’t believe that you’d take Regulus to the ball,” Sirius hissed for the hundredth time. 

It was a week after the ball, and Sirius was still upset that Regulus had snared Remus in his diabolical trap to no doubt wreak havoc on Sirius’ mental and emotional state.

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. “He wanted to go to the ball. I took him to the ball. I don’t see what the big deal is, Pads,” he said. 

“It’s Regulus!” Sirius hissed. “He’s evil, and gross, and-“

“Your brother,” Remus said pointedly. 

Sirius devolved into making strangled hissing noises then, only stopping when Regulus walked over to their table. “I’m going home for Christmas break,” he informed them. 

“Goodbye,” Sirius spat. 

“I need an escort for the Hogsmeade weekend after break,” Regulus said. “Mummy won’t let me go alone, says the war’s brewing, but I need to buy new shoes. Remus, take meeeee.”

“Alright,” Remus said, even as Sirius tugged at his sleeve. Regulus flounced off happily with a “Thanks!” for Remus, and a “Bye loser,” to Sirius.

At this point, even James looked interested. “He likes you, Moony.”

“That’s nice,” Remus hummed. 

It seemed that no one cared for Sirius as he slunk down into a puddle of his own misery. 

……………………………

“They’re getting serious,” Lily observed, as Regulus demanded that Remus take him to Hogsmeade. 

For the first time, Severus worried about another person. Getting closer was fine, but with Lupin’s condition...

“I don’t think it’s wise,” he opined. 

Lily gave him a dank look. “Is this your stupid theory about poor Remus again? For god’s sake, Sev, he’s just sickly, he’s not a were-“

“He gets sick on the full moon! He’s covered with scratches and gouges consistent with werewolf markings! His eyes are golden, for fucks sake!” Snape snapped.

“He’s the kindest, most gentle boy in the whole Gryffindor house, he’s a prefect, and he’s an excellent student,” Lily countered. 

“He- he-!” Severus saw that there was no persuading his friend. He strode purposefully towards the Marauder’s table and grabbed Lupin before James or Sirius could react, and dragged him over to Lily, the rest of the boys hot on their heels. 

Depositing Lupin in front of Lily, he turned to address Remus. “Lupin,” he said, “are you or are you not a werewolf?”

Remus merely quirked an eyebrow, as Peter, James, and Sirius all started yelling and drawing their wands. Snape drew out a metal ruler from his bag, and handed it to Remus. “Bend this,” he directed, “with your hands.”

“Sev, he can’t do that, he’s not superhuman- what the fuck, oh hell,” Lily said, as Lupin calmly snapped the metal stick in half. She watched as he drew out is wand, mended the ruler, and handed it back to Snape, all without a word. 

Everyone was pindrop silent. Finally, Severus broke the spell with a weak, ”Told you so.”

Remus dusted his hands calmly, and then said, “I’m not surprised that you found out, Severus. But I must warn you, that if you try to malign my name or spread this information, I will crack your skull open with as much ease as I did your ruler.”

“Remus,” Lily said, her voice quavering, “you... you...” Everyone waited with bated breath for her reaction. “Oh you poor, brave, man! Living with that all by yourself!” She embraced Remus tearfully, who returned the hug, his previous threatening attitude giving way to his characteristic mildness again. 

“I’m not alone, Lily. I have Sirius, and Peter, and James, they all look out for me. And now I have you,” he said. “I’m pretty lucky, as far as things go,” Remus shrugged. 

“Of course you have me,” Lily said fiercely. “We’re friends, and you’ll always have me, and Sev!”

“There is no way in-,” Severus bit out. Lily looked at him with her protuberant green eyes, and Severus felt his resolve melt faster than an ice cube between Satan’s arsecheeks. “Oh, fine.”

“I know my own strength,” he told Severus quietly. “I won’t hurt Regulus. Knowingly or unknowingly.”

“Well,” Severus spluttered, caught out by his own caring nature. “That is to say. Quite. Hm. Rather. By jove.”

Remus smiled. “I will tell him when he comes back from the break,” he said. “What he decides to do afterwards will be up to him.”

………………………………………

As it turned out, Regulus was fascinated. 

“Oh I say,” he said, tracing a scar on Remus’ arm with his finger. “That’s a werewolf scratch?”

“Yes, I did that to myself during a full moon,” Remus replied. 

“Well, that simply won’t do,” Regulus tutted. “Terrible stuff, clawing yourself up like steak. I shall ask mummy to send some large mittens. She knits them very thick. We can engorgio them if we need them larger.”

Remus stared at Regulus for a long time, before muttering, “Thank you, Regulus.”

“You’re welcome,” Regulus sniffed. “I say, we should get going, they’re letting students into Hogsmeade now.”

What transpired next was an outing where Regulus purchased his shoes, and then proceeded to tag along with the Marauders on account of Remus being his escort. By the time they got back to the castle, Regulus was beaming.

“That was great fun,” he said happily. “There’s another Hogsmeade weekend in two weeks, Remus, will you take me then too?”

“Of course, Reg, it’d be my pleasure,” Remus replied with a smile. After Regulus had biffed off, Lily came up to the boys with Severus on her arm. 

“So, you’re taking Reg out for Valentine’s weekend, huh?”

Sirius gasped. “I knew that he was up to no good!” He cried, pointing after his brother. “He ensnared poor Remus!”

“Don’t be so silly,” Remus said lightly. “I already knew the date.”

“You knew-!? But then why-!”

“He has all the brains of a beetle, doesn't he?” Severus murmured. 

Realization dawned on Sirius, followed swiftly by syncope. As he fainted in James’ arms, the last sound that he heard was Severus Snape’s scathing laughter.

…………………………………………

Severus was lounging in the grounds, with his head in Lily’s lap. It was a lovely February day, crisp and sunny. Everything was going swimmingly, until-

“Sigh.”

Severus peered up at Lily, who was making a show of sighing loudly in hopes that he would address her woes. He opted for pulling on her braid and eliciting a squeal out of her. “What, woman?”

Lily looked sadly down at him. “If I tell you something, Sev, do you promise to not judge me?”

“Depends on what it is,” Severus muttered. “Did you kill Mulciber? If so, I won’t judge you. I know a great place to hide bodies. You know the bog behind the tree line? It’s so swampy-“

“I didn’t kill Mulciber. Yet,” Lily said sadly. “Its just...James.”

“I told you, the bog is perfect for hiding bodies-“

“I think that I like him.”

“We could wrap the body in a sack and take it under the cover of dark- I beg your fucking pardon?”

Lily looked pained. “Ever since we’ve been hanging out with Remus and Regulus, I’ve seen how nice he actually is. He takes such good care of poor Remus, comforts Sirius when he’s being dumb about his brother, and he doesn’t even pick fights with you anymore, and I think that I really, really, like him, but I can’t forget that he was so mean to you before-“

“I need a drink,” Severus muttered. 

Lily burst into tears. “I don’t know what to do! On the one hand, I don’t want to lose you, and I hate Potter for how he treated you, but on the other hand, I have these feelings-“ 

Severus sighed. “I told you before, Lily, you’re not going to lose me. And as for Potter-“

Lily burst into tears yet again, and Severus found himself with a lap full of crying ginger. Clearly, something had to be done. 

…………………………………

Meet me at the astronomy tower at midnight tonight. Concerns Lily.   
-Severus Snape. 

James read over the note frantically, before stuffing his protesting friends under the invisibility cloak and trooping up the the astronomy tower meet Snape. Once there, he threw off the cloak and pointed his wand menacingly at his nemesis. “Where’s Lily?”

Snape raised his eyebrow archly. “In bed, suffering menstrual cramps. We need to have words, Potter.” Severus’ eyes slid over to where Remus, Sirius, and Peter all stood looking very put upon. “I had not expected an audience for this, but it is just as well. Potter, I wish to bury the hatchet.”

“Eh?”

“Given Lily’s growing fondness of your...person, I believe it wise to learn to get along. I trust that you can manage to be civil with her friends?”

James felt a thousand emotions wrack his body. Lily liked him! His love may be requited! Snape was not such a git! He settled for saying, “That’s very mature of you, Sniv-er, Sevvyrus, um, Snape.”

“Let me make one thing very clear, Potter,” Severus said, advancing upon James, “I am only here for Lily. I love her more than anyone in the world, and if I find out that you ever gave her reason to be upset, I shall find you, exsanguinate you, sell your blood on the black market, and dispose of your body in a location known only to myself.”

James gulped, but stood his ground, so that he and Snape stood nose-to-very-large-nose.

“Is that clear, Potter?”

James nodded frantically, breaking the spell of Snape’s raw animal magnetism. “Yuppers, right-o, loud and clear.”

Snape rolled his eyes and slid out of the room with his usual feline grace. Unconsciously, Sirius’ foot reached out to trip him up, but was pinched by Remus and made to retract it. “Sorry,” Sirius grumbled, “force of habit.”

“Hm,” Remus said sternly. “And that goes for Regulus too. No more being mean to him.”

“Or what?”

“I’ll not let you copy my homework.”

“No fair! He was mine first!” Sirius whined. 

“Regulus is his own person. I just don’t like seeing those dear to me getting hurt,” Remus said placidly. “And if you hurt him, I’ll let you fail herbology.”

Sirius pouted. “You drive a hard bargain, Remus Lupin,” he said.

Remus grinned. “And don’t you forget it.”

Meanwhile, James was waltzing with Peter in transports of joy, and already planning to nick rare flowers from the greenhouses to make a bouquet for Lily ‘that can dare to compare to her beauty and grace’. 

It was, overall, a productive night.


	3. Chapter 3

Five years later...

“Oh I say,” Severus said, looking distastefully at Lily’s distended abdomen. “Please tell me that it is just very bad gas.”

Lily scowled and chucked a sock at him. “Sev! I’m pregnant!”

“Wonderful news, poor timing,” Snape commented. “What with the war, you know.”

“Stop guilting me, you’re not my mum!”

“Certainly not,” Severus said evenly. “Though I do find it ironic that the homosexual interspecies couple made it to the altar before you and Potter, a clearly fertile heterosexual couple did. I have to admit, there is something to be said for Lupin’s planning.”

Lily rolled over dramatically onto the bed. Severus cringed. He had just made it, and now his sheets were rumpled. “Sev, what do I do?” She whined. 

“I suggest that you ask Lupin and Regulus whether they saved the centerpieces from their wedding,” Severus suggested. “They were very tasteful, as I remember.”

Lily sniffled. “I can’t believe that I’m going to walk down the aisle looking like a whale.”

“Tchah,” Snape huffed, “don’t be silly. You’re a redhead, and there are no red whales. You’d look more like an obese manticore.”

After several more tears, Lily raiding Severus’ chocolate stash, and a lot of reassurances, Severus managed to console his distraught friend. “There, there,” he said primly. “It will be alright. I shall threaten Potter into marrying you before you start to resemble a mammoth.”

“James already agreed,” Lily sniffled. “He was over the moon. He wants to name the baby after his dad. Fleamont.”

“Egads,” Snape said with feeling. “I am using my powers of superior judgement to veto that.”

Lily grinned. “Sev, whats your full name?”

“Severus Harold Luigi Tobias Snape. I forbid you to name the child Severus.”

Lily was smiling. “Harry,” she said softly, touching her stomach. “Little Harry.”

“Well, I never.”

***

In the end, little Harry was born, and was the the best baby to ever be a baby, in Snape’s opinion. 

"He is perfectly formed," Snape praised, as baby Harry made valiant attempts to grab his finger. 

"Most people give a more human sentiment," James observed. "Humans," he went on, "would coo at a baby."

"I shall not demean myself thusly."

"C'mon Snapey, just one coo-"

Just then, the door was flung open to reveal Regulus and Dumbledore, both of whom were soaking wet and giggling victoriously. "What are you two up to?" Lily asked. 

"Finding horcruxes," Regulus - secret spy-boy extraordinaire - supplied. 

There was a small uproar at this pronouncement, mostly from Sirius, who was yelling at Dumbledore about taking his baby brother to look for rotten soul bits. "You are in so much trouble," Sirius scolded a pouting Regulus. "You wait until I tell Moony about this, he'll flip his lid."

"Oh no, Remus will go 'Sad and Disappointed' mode on me," Regulus bemoaned his fate. "I hate disappointing Remus."

Needless to say, Remus was Disappointed, but ultimately understanding. After all, his tiny husband had found Voldemort's horcruxes and was therefore a hero who would be getting hero sex later that night. 

James groaned, because Remus and Regulus lived in the flat above them and the ceiling was thin, and they made him feel inadequate. After living in a boys dorm for seven years, he knew for a fact that Remus had a Big One.

The biggest of them all, really. 

The first time James saw it, he had screamed a little. 

Snape had stubbornly refused to move into their apartment building, and after calling them various iterations of 'co-dependent tarsiers' proceeded to move into a dank little house in Hogsmeade, unfortunately right next to The Dumbledore house. 

During the summers, Albus insisted on living with his beleagured little brother (aged approx. 95 years old) because 'we are family, Abe, and family lives together, it's only natural. And besides, it's not as though you'll be bringing any ladies around, not with your hip.'.

But back to the overarching War.

Over time, the pair went around and discovered all of Voldemort's horcruxes. They surveyed the motley collection happily. "One diadem, one cup filched from the Lestranges, one locket, one diary filched from the Malfoys, and a signet ring," Albus counted. "Now, to destroy them all."

"What about the snake?" Lily asked. 

"I fed it a rat soaked in basilisk venom," Regulus beamed. 

"That'll do it, I suppose."

They came up with a particularly caustic potion of Snape's design. There was one ingredient, however, that made them all balk.

"The tears of an innocent?"

"Indeed," Snape said, looking up from the cauldron. 

"Well, nothing for it, I suppose," Sirius said. "James, sing me that sad song that makes me weep. Remus, get that vial to collect my eyeball secretions."

"You," Snape spat, "are the farthest thing from innocent within a ten kilometer radius." Snape spun around and stalked to Harry's crib, and lightly jiggled the baby inside. Harry woke up with an angry, befuddled wail. Snape bent down and collected the baby's tears before stomping back to the cauldron. 

"Sev, you're so clever," Lily praised him.

"Ta, Lily," Snape said, and tipped the tears in. 

Dumbledore surveyed the potion happily. "Severus my boy-"

"Not your boy-"

"-if this works, then consider yourself hired as the Potions Professor at Hogwarts," Dumbledore beamed, and then tipped the horcrux collection inside. The potion bubbled and hissed, and a lot of noxious fumes were released. 

"Voldemort's soul smells like farts," James observed. 

"I cannot believe that those were the first words uttered after such a momentous occasion," Snape goggled, bouncing Harry in his arms. "I must be on hand constantly so that my godson does not become a blithering dunderhead like his male progenitor."

Harry laughed delightedly at the sound of Snape's scathing voice and patted his greasy godfather's chest with his tiny hands. 

"He's hungry," Snape said, taking the cue handing the baby over to Lily. 

Lily glared and took Harry upstairs to feed him. The first and last time that she had breastfed in front of Severus, he had likened the action - correctly so, he defended - to a cow's udders being milked. 

"Eat your fill, young Harry," Snape said. "Your brief moment of suffering and your tears have helped to end a great evil this day."

"You talk real nice," Sirius observed. "If you wrote a book, I would totally filch a copy and read it."

"Not buy it, I notice."

"I have no disposable income," Sirius said. "Disowned, remember? Gotta invest Uncle Alphard's fortune wisely if I am to remain a filthy rich layabout. Remus, help me make wise investment choices," he whinged.

"Sigh."

"I find it hilarious that Regulus is the Lord of House Black inspite of marrying a werewolf," Snape remarked.

"I can't help that mum likes Remus!" Sirius seethed. "It's his damn manners and shit, old ladies dig that kind of thing."

"Perhaps it could be his diplomacy in the face of conflict that presents him as a reasonable figure."

"Nah, the old hag is probably up to something."

"Sigh."

"That's all the horcruxes out of the way, then," Regulus interrupted, putting the all back on track. "Now to tackle the main slut."

"Ah, then I shall take my leave," Dumbledore said. "A good rest is essential before duelling sluts. Toodles."

Everyone watched Dumbledore shuffle out. "Are we really going to let Dumbles take on Voldemort alone?" Regulus asked. 

"No, of course not," James rolled his eyes. "The Order will be at his back. Besides, weve got to keep the Death Eaters busy."

"Right!" Sirius said, jumping up. "You're not going," he said, pointing a stern finger at Regulus.

"What! Why not!"

"Because I said so."

"But-!"

"We need someone to stay and maintain the defenses at Headquarters with Lily," Remus explained. "I also don't want you in the line of fire."

"I don't want you in the line of fire either!" Regulus said hotly. 

"Sweetness, I'm a werewolf. I can shrug off more than a few curses."

"Still..."

They were treated to the nauseating sight of Remus and Regulus being gooey for several more minutes before the rest of the men trooped out, making immature retching noises. 

"Welp. Tomorrow's the big day," Sirius said. "Let's have some D-Day sex."

"Um...I'm married," James said. 

"Aw, right. Snape, you up for some?"

Severus looked as though he wished for the earth to swallow him up. "Good grief, Black. Absolutely not."

"Who can I bang with?" Sirius muttered, looking around. Seeing no one available, Sirius whined. "Aw man."

"Disgusting, Black," Severus muttered, and ran off to hide with Lily and her udders. 

"Didn't he want to get with Lily at one point?" Sirius asked.

James shrugged. "I don't think that he wanted her...like that. It was more like a non-sexual romantic love."

"I don't get it."

"Like you love me, Sirius."

"But we've banged before, ages ago" Sirius pointed out.

"Yeah, but you don't want to bang me now, do you?"

"Nuh huh."

"And you still love me?"

"Yuh huh."

"Same thing."

"Oh, I see now," Sirius said, nodding with great gravitas. "Very wisdom, James."

"Many thank, Sirius."

"What are they blathering about?" Regulus muttered. 

"Ignore them, dear. Can I interest you in some D-Day sex?"

"Yay," Regulus said, and rushed up the stairs. "I'll wear the corset that I got yesterday. Hang on for a minute."

Remus smiled at his tiny, excited spouse and hummed, looking around. "Well, the gang's all well," he said. "Who knows what tomorrow will bring."

"Dibs on killing Peter, the dirty spy rat," Sirius said. 

There was a chorus of groans at this form the other two men, who had both wanted to do the deed themselves. 

"Fine then, I want to kill Dolohov," Remus called dibs.

"Dibs on Lestrange," James cried. 

"Which one?"

"All of them!"

There was much throwing of paper balls and good natured tackling, and the night at the Potter-Lupin-Black household passed as a happy one.

***

As it turned out, everyone got their wish except James - he only got to kill one Lestrange. 

"Aw poo," James pouted unhappily, kicking a stray pebble. 

"Chin up, James my boy, that's the spirit," Dumbledore hummed. "After all, Voldemort is defeated."

James brightened and grinned widely at Snape. "Sev old boy, that was inspired," he praised. "Going after Voldemort in full body goblin-made armour and a battleaxe!"

Severus, who had been hiding from his newfound celebrity status as the Man Who Won The War, scowled. "Well, someone had to think outside the box," he muttered. "All that magic was very impressive," he said the Albus, "but it was unnecessarily theatrical."

"Efficient as ever, Severus," Dumbledore praised. "Oh look, here comes some reporters."

Severus made to run, but James just threw the invisibity cloak on so that it covered the both of them. "Cozy, Sniv- er, Snever- um, Severillus?"

"We have been civil for five years. I was in your wedding. I am your son's other godparent. I helped deliver said son. And yet, you have difficulty saying my name."

"I slip up sometimes. Your name is very alliterative."

"That is not an excuse. And no, I am not, as you say, cozy."

"Well get comfy, snugglebug, there are more reporters on the horizon."

"Egads," Snape groaned, regretting his foray into hero-ing. 

"Hey, Snape?"

"Yes, Potter?"

James leaned over and planted a freindly kiss on Snape's cheek. For a moment, Severus' brain shorted out. This was...inconceivable. 

"Thanks," James said. "You made it possible for Harry to grow up in a safer world."

"Well," Snape said, stuttering. "I- by jove-"

James laughed at the panicking man next to him, and thumped his on the shoulder. "Just wait until Sirius gets a hold of you!"

"Potter, take me home right now!" Severus said, panicking wildly.

With a laugh, the two men - comrades, truly - disappeared into the night.

***  
***


	4. Chapter 4

  
"Good evening, Severus."

"Good evening, Lupin," Severus greeted his colleague.

"Excited for the Sorting?"

"Such heightened emotion is unbecoming of a professor," Severus said, straightening his robes.

"Its not everyday your godson gets sorted," Lupin said. "Do you think Harry will go to Slytherin?"

"Hope springs eternal," Snape muttered. "In a few years, it will be your sprogs."

Remus smiled at the thought of the twins at home with Regulus. "Evan and Ethan could go either way, with dads from Gryffindor and Slytherin."

Snape snorted. At all of five years old, Severus already knew that both twins were going to go to Slytherin. They had all of Remus' mild character and all of Regulus' brains.

In the first years line, Harry caught sight of his uncles Sev and Moony and smiled shyly at them while a rather bushy headed girl attempted to talk his brains out of his skull. The Sorting ceremony began, and Severus waited with bated breath. Please, let him be right...

"Potter, Harry!"

There was a long silence as Harry battled with the hat. Then, "SLYTHerin?" The Hat petered off. "I'm confused."

Harry chuckled and took it off, before sweeping towards the green table that was chuckling mirthfully at the confused chapeau. Harry sat down primly and looked up at the head table with a small smile.

Severus nodded gravely back, and Remus rolled his eyes, but smiled once more when Harry surreptitiously used his wandless magic in order to muss Draco's prim hair. Draco shrieked thinly and looked around for the culprit, eventually settling his narrowed eyes at Harry, having long gotten used to his beloved god-brother playing pranks on him.

"I will tell Uncle Sev!" Draco hissed.

"I will give you a noogie while you're asleep," Harry hissed back.

"I will tell Aunty Lily!"

"Aw man," Harry subsided.

Draco smiled, because he knew that Auntie Lily would be fair, and she loved him very much. Draco was very smug about that, because it was like having two mummies and totally made up for the fact that his shitty daddy was in Azkaban for doing awful things.

Also, he got to live with Uncle Sev when mummy wasn't well, which was about half the time, so Draco wasn't lacking for love at all.

James had been very amused when three year old Draco had shown up at their house along with Severus and had followed Lily around like a chipmunk the entire time because she "had pretty hair". It then became Draco's mission in life to have pretty hair too.

He was pretty successful, he thought.

He had asked mum if he could dye his hair red, but she had told him to wait till he was seventeen, and to make sure that it was not a Weasley shade. Draco had clarified that it was an Aunt Lily shade, and Narcissa had insisted that he still wait till he was seventeen.

(Spoiler: Harry dyed Draco's hair for him on his seventeenth birthday. He became the first non-blonde Malfoy in history).

Meanwhile, Ron Weasley was over at the Gryffindor table plotting with his twin brothers and the swotty-girl-with-lots-of-ideas on how to steal Harry back, because god-brother or not, Harry was his best mate and he was going to make sure it stayed that way.

Before the end of the feast, the Weasleys had already made three attempts to kidnap Harry over to the Gryffindor table. The last attempt was foiled with Marcus Flint had rolled his eyes and had sat on Ron.

"Detention for everyone," Snape hissed as he extracted the young, slightly flattened Weasley from underneath Flint. "Lupin you enormous gremlin, cease laughing and help me!"

When the students had been sent off to bed, Severus tucked himself into his own bed and penned three missives.

_"Dear Lily,_

_It is with great pleasure and smugness that I can inform you that young Harry has been sorted into Slytherin, where I shall mould him into a tiny replica of yours truly._

_I do hope your pregnancy is proceeding well, and that my third godson is healthy and kicking into your bladder. Please find enclosed the chocolate truffles from the Hogwarts Feast that you like so much._

_Take care,_

_Severus."_

Severus sent the first owl off to his best friend and chuckled, his mind going to the next letter to be penned. Well, best get cracking on.

_"Dear Potter,_

_You owe me a butterbeer._

_Have fun seeing your darling son in green, the colour of victory and butterbeers for Severus._

_Yours Truly,_

_Severus Snape."_

Smirking, Severus sent the next missive off to his - egads! - friend, James. Finally, suppressing a shudder, he picked up the last piece of parchment and began to write.

_"Black you ineffable nematode,_

_I do not know why you insist on sending me bi-weekly letters. I will not give into your horrendous pickup lines just because you want to bang me. You do realize that it is not mandatory that everyone in a friend circle must pair off and shag, do you not?_

_To happier news, Harry was sorted into Slytherin, much like his *better* godfather. Weep into your pillow like a bereft bird on its belly, knowing that you have lost this day._

_Kind Regards,_

_Severus Snape."_

With his duty done, Severus finally fell asleep.

***

Severus woke up to the panic of several owls assaulting his being. "Ack!" He cried, and fended off the attack, grabbing hastily at the letters that they brought. Settling back into his pillow, he began to read.

_"Dear Sev,_

_I'm so glad to hear that Harry is in your house. I know that you'll look after him and give him secret hugs when no one is looking, you big old softie._

_Little Luigi is kicking in the womb and progressing well, I'm told by the healers. Just one more week till he's out! I'll owl you when the labour has started._

_Love,_

_Lily."_

Severus smiled softly and opened up the next letter.

_"Dear Snape,_

_Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo._

_Love,_

_James."_

Severus cackled and put away the letter, steeling himself for the final missive.

_"My darling Severillus,_

_You know that I thirst for your lissom form. Why do you continue to deny us both the carnal pleasures that you know that we would bask in?_

_And I have not shagged everyone in our friend circle. Only James, and that was once, when we were fourteen, and only because we accidently ingested some dodgy potion we'd made and were both unbelievably horny. But nothing would compare to the bliss of knowing your ivory skin against my own inbred body._

_I am very proud to know that my godson is highly ambitious and scheming. He will make a fine heir to my jokeshop and take the family business to new heights. Give my love to our Harry-pup, and keep some for yourself ; )_

_Smooches and hickeys,_

_Sirius."_

Over breakfast, Lupin burst out laughing at Sirius' latest attempt at wooing Snape. "He called you lissom?" Remus giggled. "No offence, Severus, but you're rather built. You're more muscular than Sirius, by a long shot."

"Hauling cauldrons is a demanding chore, Lupin," Snape sniffed over his eggs. "Besides, I think Black does not know the meaning of half the words that he says."

Remus giggled. "He thinks Harry is going to take over his jokeshop."

"Tchah! What nonsense! Clearly the boy is an intellectual, he will take after me."

"Not James?"

"Potter? What of him?"

"He's a fairly successful auror-"

"Have you met Young Harry? He has a deep-seated dislike of the auror corps after being infiltrated by Voldemort's followers during the war and doing virtually nothing to stop the corruption of their forces during that time."

"Yes, and whose bright idea was it to educate him on the history of the war and the moral and ethical grey areas of humanity?"

"Mine, of course," Snape said. "I was so delighted when Young Harry questioned his father's decision to act as a vigilante member of the Order whilst maintaining his ties to a clearly corrupted organization and then choosing to stay on afterwards."

"James nearly choked on his lemonade and died," Remus chastized Snape.

"It was delightful to behold."

"You're friends now," Remus reminded him.

"Eck."

  
Just then, another owl flew into the great hall and rammed itself into the side of Severus' head. Another flutered gently over to coo at Lupin, a similar letter attached to it's talons. Snape detatched the letter from his overly ambitious avain newsbearer and read, "Ah, Lily has gone into labour. Lupin, cover my class for me, will you? I am taking Young Harry to meet his brother in the hospital."  
Remus, who knew next to nothing about potions, panicked. "I can't teach your class! Why can't we switch and I go to the hospital?"

"Well, the last time you saw a woman's tender regions, you vomited," Snape reminded him. "Besides, I am going to be administering the epidural and helping deliver the child, because Potter is a complete and utter wimp and weeps like a congested toad whenever Lily has even a single contraction."

After Severus grabbed Harry and swept off to St Mungo's, Remus panicked further and taught Severus' class how to temper chocolate instrad of focusing on how to brew a blood replenishing draught. It was a very tasty lesson.

Snape returned with a photo of the now slightly larger Potter family. Lily was holding a slightly Gollum-like Luigi Potter, weighing a measley 5.5 pounds but with the lung capacity of a fully grown banshee.

"I am, once again, godfather," Severus annouced, looking very pleased. "And once again, Black is the other godfather," he said, looking less pleased.

Remus nodded. "I suspect that its because in the worst case scenario, they don't want the kids to be split up. I suspect James thinks that one day, you will fall head over heels over Sirius and establish a happy relationship."

  
"What rot," Snape said, shuddering. "It would never work."

  
"I thought that you liked men too, though," Remus said. "And Sirius isn't bad looking."

"I care not for looks, Lupin," Snape seethed, "but for the mind, and the heart. How dare you insinuate that I would bed another person and ungergo...copulation. Egads. The nerve."

Remus giggled again like a vapid gasbladder. "You know, Sirius isn't exactly...active, either. It was one of the things his crazy mother hated about him. That he was into men over women, and even then, rarely. How, oh how would the most noble and inbred House of Black continue?"

Snape's brain short circuited. "B-but...he's always on about-"

"Sex? He doesn't have any himself, he's just a bit vulgar is all. He doesn't like the mess, you see, he's a bit, um, anal about cleanliness."

Snape tapped his chin. "I see." Well, that certainly put a new spin on things.

Remus beamed, because he was secretly a marshmallow masquerading as a human. Once, Severus had had the displeasure of accidently walking in on Remus in his werewolf form, and had been nuzzled and licked as a punishment. If he had not been two seconds from soiling himself out of fear, Severus would have been rather annoyed. Even his pet cat, Mehistopheles, dared not lick him.

Yes, Severus had a pet cat. It was Lily's idea, because she thought that her dear friend was lonely.

No, Lily, he was a loner. There is a subtle but important difference.

And now Severus had a cat.

But back to the matter at hand.

"Excuse me, Lupin, I have a missive to pen."

"Of course, Severus," Remus said grandly, knowing that he had abetted the romance of the century. Now all he had to do was sit back and wait. 


	5. Chapter 5

Severus sat at his personal study in a bit of a tizzy. Sirius Black liked him. Snape was...not opposed to this.

Egads. How dare these hormones assault him thusly. Severus gulped down a Brew of Rationality and sat back. Clearly, the best course of action now was to confront Black head on. But before that, Severus had to get dolled up. And for that, he needed...

Lily.

After dismissing his last class of the day and giving Harry and Draco their daily head pats, Severus headed to the hospital armed with flowers and a blanket for baby Luigi, just days old now.

Lily let him in and Severus handed her the flowers, and then draped baby Luigi in the blanket. "Good morning, Young Luigi," Severus said quietly so as to not disturb the silent baby. Severus stood back and observed the baby gnawing on the blanket with fondness in his heart.

Where Harry had Lily's eyes and James' hair, Luigi had gone the other way, coming out with James' hazel eyes and a shock of Lily's bright red hair. He would, Severus thought determinedly, have his own intellect.

"Thanks for the blanket, Sev," Lily said. "Did you make it?"

"Egads, no," Severus said. "My ma made it."

Lily's face softened. "How is Eileen doing?"

"Better now that her husband has...left."

"Sev," Lily said sternly, "why did you hesitate when you said that?"

"...Because I do not know where he is."

"Sev, did you kill him?" Lily asked tiredly.

"No," Severus said truthfully. He had only left the hemlock on the kitchen table. If his mum had used some in her useless, abusive husband's tea...well then. All she had seen was a pretty white flower to decorate the tea and biscuits with, nothing more.

Such a shame.

Severus smiled.

He truly did not know what his mum had done with the body, but he did know that there was a yew tree in the yard that had sprung up surprisingly quickly.

Anyway, back to the baby.

"Okay," Lily said softly. "I wouldn't blame you if you had."

"I love you," Severus said, and meant it. "It is actually on a tangetial matter that I wish to speak to you."

Lily's eyes gleamed. "Sev, you want to talk to me about love?"

  
"Quite," Severus said severely. "I have decided to allow Black the chance to woo me. It has come to my attention that he, like myself, does not like messes and the like."

"It's true," Lily giggled. "His least favourite season is summer because he doesn't like to sweat."

"I have thus decided to allow him the opportunity to, quote unquote, 'get with this'," he said, gesturing grandly towards himself.

Lily clapped her hands gaily. "Oh Sev! I'm so pleased! Are you going to ask him out?"

"One should not give everything away in the first encounter Lily," Severus lectured, "rather, we must shield our minds and true intentions carefully. No, I shall continue in the vein that we usually comminicate - via letters."

Lily rolled her eyes and sniggered. "Well, what's the holdup? Write the letter!"

Severus sighed heavily and sat down, pulling out a parchment and a quill.

_"Dear Black,_

_It has come to my attention that you, like myself, are averse to fluids flying every which way. This is heartening to hear, as I wish to pursue you with regards to a relationship of the romantic nature, sans, of course, the coitus._

_I am a traditionalist, and do believe that a courting is in order. Therefore, if it is amenable to you, I shall take you on several dates, at the end of which we shall compare notes and come to a resonable conclusion._

_Do reply and inform me of your end of this proposal._

_Regards,_

_Severus Snape."_

Severus released the Potter owl and turned proudly back to Lily, who, much to his horror, had her udder out to feed the babe. "I have sent the missive," he said, looking everywhere but the milking process. "All that remains now is to-"

What remained would have to remain a mystery, as the owl had come hurtling back home, a new letter attached to its talons. Severus opened the letter and read,

_"My most buttery darling Sniverus,_

_My end is completely ready for your proposal. I have yearned for this day ever since I realized that you were not the git that I once thought you were. Nay, you are a gentle, caring, fae dipped in molasses, but I was too much of a fool to see it."_

_Here Severus stopped. "Surely, a fae dipped in mollases would die due to the stickiness gluing its wings together," he remarked._

_"Sirius isn't known for his logic, Sev," Lily replied, "he moonlights as an erotica writer. Those are not ripe with rationale, you know."_

_Severus huffed and continued to read,_

"I am fully onboard with your plans. To this end, I will recieve you at Hogwarts on Friday night, and take you out to dinner, one of many, where I shall fall into a stupor from the caress of your delicious, rich, liquidy baritone.

Yours tenderly,

Sirius."

"How repulsive," Severus said, folding up the letter. "I have a date."

Lily squealed happily. "Sev! I'm so happy for you! What will you wear- oh, never mind," she huffed, as Severus raised an incredulous eyebrow at her. "Just- will you be doing your hair-?"

"Lily," Snape said slowly, "Black has been courting me for the better part of a decade. He has seen me in all my forms already - that is to say, this exact form that you see now. That is what he will continue to see in the future, because I have no reason to change. Clearly, he likes me as is."

Inspired by Severus' deep knowledge of the human psyche, Lily squealed some more. Severus left her to her noises, and proceeded home.

The game was afoot.

***

Severus was understandably nervous to see Black pacing the entrace hall. He did not know how this would go, and Severus despised uncertainty. Still, he was a little buoyed by the sight of a tiny Draco and tiny Harry hopping around Sirius, and being generally underfoot.

How adorable, Snape thought depite himself. Egads, but he must control himself.

"Good evening, Black," Severus greeted, sweeping forwards and tightly flicking Draco and Harry away. Instead, the two boys attached themselves to his waist. A hug! My word. "Shoo," he instructed the boys. When they would not go, he pointed off into the distance. "Oh, look, a Weasley."

Immediately, Draco sped off, calling for the unknown Weasley to halt, this would be the day that he perfected his hair dying charm, their orange hair was such an affront.

Harry frowned at Severus, who was wildly smug. "Why do you always do that?" He asked. "You know Draco doesn't like orange."

"It is called strategy, little one," Snape lectured. "Fret not, you will learn."

Harry giggled and sped after Draco, grabbing a sleepily full Ron who was just exiting the great hall after dinner.

"Where're we goin'?" Ron mumbled sleepily.

"Gotta get Draco back," Harry explained. "I think he may have gone after Fred and George, and they'll probably turn him into a chicken or something."

"And we would never want that to happen," Ron deadpanned, but followed Harry nonetheless.

After the children had rounded the corner, Sirius brandished a bouquet from mid-air. "For you, my slithery sweetheart."

"Black, you've just gifted me a bouquet of poisonous nighshade," Severus said, looking down at the small, purple, flowers.

Sirius gaped.

"How astute," Snape continued, "I will use them whilst brewing the Draught of Living Death. How considerate of you, Black."

Sirius beamed, because of course that was totally what he was going for. "Oui oui hon hon hon, that is correct mon cheri," Sirius said.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "I hope that is not the extent of your French."

"Oh no, I'm fluent," Sirius beamed. "Private tutors, mega rich, very inbred, all that jazz. I'm also fluent in German."

Severus eyebrows jiggled. "How fortunate," he purred.

Sirius' heart skipped a beat. "Oh?"

"Yes, now you will be able to translate the potions articles from German and French for me."

Sirius beamed. "Sure thing. Dinner first?"

Severus nodded. "My gullet screams for nutrition. Where to?"

Sirius hooked his arm through Severus'. "Picnic," he said gaily.

"Egads. I am to sit on the floor?"

"Oh yeah. And then afterwards, we can go scouting for some posionous herbs in the forest by the light of the moon, and I can look at your nice bum whenever you bend over to pick flowers."

"I am not opposed to this," Severus decided, with a small smile. "Lead on, Black."

And with that, the newly minted duo pranced off into the night.

***

_Five years later..._

Severus sat by the warmth of his hearth, his heart full and his mind sated. He looked up briefly to catch a glimpse of his husband, and shared a small smile with this most unbelivable of men, Sirius Black.

Or Sirius Snape, as he now preferred to be called.

"What'cha lookin'at me for?" Sirius asked playfully. "You like what you see?"

"Immesurably," Severus replied.

"Hoo hoo, I'm a foxy man," Sirius preened. "Hey, we have to get going if we want to see the guys for dinner. You know how Remus gets when people aren't punctual."

"Yes, he gets sad and soppy and disappointed like a wet dishcloth," Severus muttered. "Best be off, then."

"Be a doll and get the potatoes out of thve oven?" Sirius asked, batting his eyes.

Severus sighed and bent over to retrieve the dish, and looked up to see Sirius' eyes fixed to his bum. "After all this time?" He asked.

"Always," Sirius said, beaming.

Taking Sirius' arm once more, Severus stepped out, as proud as any man could be.


End file.
